TW: Mentions of Mental Health Illnesses
I falsely thought that being diagnosed with mental health issues would be the end of my life.
In fact, on the day of my first psychiatric appointment, I remember sobbing to my mom, refusing to take the prescribed medication as its label says “antipsychotic” — a word that I am familiar with my entire life, but prayed that I'd never be associated with (I mean, I think no one would ever want to be).
I can still even recall how painful it was to hold back the tears that were swelling up in my eyes and hear how my voice trembled and cracked as I struggled to tell my friend how terrified I was of my diagnosis.
At the time, I was certain that my life was destined to crumble down.
I know this might be a bit hard to understand for some, but I had my reasons for believing this way then.
The Lies I Told Myself
I grew up with a loved one who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, a severe and debilitating behavioral disorder. And so, we witnessed how his life slowly turned upside down — from the moment he was diagnosed, to the day he was deemed incapable of working and was forced to retire, and to the more painful years that followed after.
One could say, then, that at an early age, I was opened to the cruel reality of mental health illnesses and the lack of society’s education about them.
Expectedly, these unpleasant experiences I had seen and gone through, and the fact that I carry the same genes, created a fear in me. Worrying that one day I, too, will confirm that I am mentally ill and that my life would be put in a halt, if not dragged down — that I’ve always been a time bomb just waiting for the “perfect trigger” to set me off.
Thus, when I first started to feel something wrong with my mental health at 15, I shied away from immediately seeking professional help. I did think of it, but kept the idea at the back of my mind.
It’s not because I didn’t want to help myself — I did, more than anyone else. But, I was engrossed in my own fears. I was scared, petrified even, and thought I didn’t need confirmation that something was wrong. That in refusing to do so, I’m saving myself from all the possible harm.
"It’s not because I didn’t want to help myself — I did, more than anyone else. But, I was engrossed in my own fears."
All of these, just because I attributed the sufferings of our loved one to being diagnosed.
Sadly, my mental health got worse, and thus at 18, my mother pleaded with me to get checked.
Now, I am more than thankful that I did.
What it Really is
Three years after I was identified with Bipolar disorder, I have realized that getting help and being diagnosed is not what I thought it was. Funnily, after all the anxieties and breakdowns, I’ve come to terms that it is one of the best things you can do for yourself, and this goes for several reasons.
First and foremost, I’ve picked up that seeking help from mental health professionals means that I am opening myself to the utmost possibility of healing.
When you’re drowning in fear, you tend to forget the most important things. In my case, I failed to recall that mental problems are as real as any other medical illness. And since they are equally detrimental, they need to be treated and taken care of in a medical way, which is what therapy is all about.
Professionals mostly focus on one’s emotional being, but they, too, are concerned with a person’s physical state. YES! I am talking about hormones and other bodily chemicals. That is exactly why psychiatrists prescribe medications.
Thus, when you seek help from mental health professionals, you also allow yourself to be mended mentally, emotionally, and physically, which gives you more chances of healing thoroughly.
"When you seek help from mental health professionals, you also allow yourself to be mended mentally, emotionally, and physically."
Aside from that, it gave me the opportunity to get to know myself better because being diagnosed means learning more about your mental health problems, which will help you become more aware of yourself.
Throughout the years, I honestly learned to become more sensitive to my mood and needs. I have also developed a skill in knowing when it’s getting bad again, what triggered it, and what I need to do. But more importantly, it taught me when to ask for help because sometimes the first step to genuinely helping yourself is letting others lend you a hand
"It taught me when to ask for help because sometimes the first step to genuinely helping yourself is letting others lend you a hand."
Likewise, getting into therapy helped me recognize the things I overlooked.
To be honest, I had always been a people pleaser. And so, when my 2nd psychiatrist asked me to answer some questions about myself, it triggered an identity crisis. I realized that I didn’t know a thing about myself. Believe it or not, I felt so lost and defeated because when I looked inside myself that time, there was no one. It just felt painfully hollow.
It was one of the most uncomfortable things to realize at age 20, but it is also something I needed to face. And therapy saved me from the pains of finding these out in the later years of my life and assisted me to start over — slowly but steadily building a person in me that I know.
But among the many things I’d like to say, I think the most important thing is that I’ve finally clarified and corrected myself that seeking help from mental health professionals and being diagnosed DO NOT jeopardize one’s life.
Yes, getting diagnosed might affirm that something is wrong with you, and it may stop SOME of your routines or habits, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are to halt everything. As previously stated, it does more than just confirm people's nightmares; it also teaches them how to deal with it, enables them how to find their way back, or, if that is not possible, guides them on how to begin the new aspect of their lives.
Similar to our loved one, his diagnosis wasn’t the cause of his life’s mishaps. It didn’t end it either; rather, it taught him to continue and adjust to this new life he had no choice but to face.
And for me? Truthfully, I haven’t fully wrapped my head around my whole situation. I still grieve, knowing that I will forever carry my disorder because it’s never something you can fully get used to, and I still sometimes drown in self-hatred. But whenever I do, I go back to the things I’ve learned throughout this healing journey and remember I shouldn’t be harsh on myself because as much as I’ve seen this coming, it’s not something I wanted to have in the first place.
"I go back to the things I’ve learned throughout this healing journey and remember the things I shouldn’t be harsh on myself because as much as I’ve seen this coming, it’s not something I wanted to have in the first place."
But just to say, I cannot assure you that therapy will bring about your rainbows and clear skies, nor will it absolutely fix your mental health problems. Yet, I am certain that it will help establish a "you" that can overcome, adjust, and understand the challenges brought by these illnesses and the not-so-understanding society.
Gentle Note
As much as we hate to admit this, not all mental health professionals know how to handle patients properly. I’ve even personally experienced and heard from friends that some aren't helpful, while others are even rude. If you are caught in this situation, do not stop or doubt going to therapy.
Instead, I want you to remember that you can always look for another psychiatrist/psychologist — one that you are most comfortable with. Likewise, you can also talk to them about your therapy plan or your medications if you are experiencing any problems.
And always remember, therapy is most certainly not a single performance. It is a dance for two — wherein you and your doctor actively participate in the process of your healing.
For those who are looking for help, the National Center for Mental Health offers free consultation and also provides assistance for people’s medication. Click here to set your appointment.
Graphics by: Nicky Pacardo
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