Out of all kinds of heartbreaks that we will ever feel in this lifetime, the heartbreak caused by losing a loved one is probably the most excruciating. Grief is the one we hope to never come across, but we have to go through it at some point, whether we are ready or not.
"Grief is the one we hope to never come across, but we have to go through it at some point, whether we are ready or not. "
Photo by Jonas Ferlin from Pexels
Days after my brother's passing, I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor, staring at the refrigerator door where I always see him standing at midnight looking for cold water to drink. I stayed there for an hour, trying to figure out what to do with my life then. I was lost. I had no idea what to do next.
As the caring and responsible brother that he was, he taught me a lot of things — from simple tasks like designing my art projects, using Microsoft Office, and paying the utility bills, to the deeper ones like sharing happiness, expressing gratitude, and dreaming big. Despite all of it, I hated him for this one thing he never taught me — how to live without him. I kept thinking that maybe if I had known, moving on would be easier. It took me a year to finally realize that it was something I needed to learn on my own.
From what I have learned so far with the time I spent picking myself up and trying to move forward, here are the things that I also want others who are coping with the loss of a parent, child, sibling, partner, friend, or any loved one, to remember:
1. We all grieve differently. Do what you must.
Grieving comes in all forms. The way we experience grief is unique from each other, so there is no single way to put it. Some people may want to burst out and pour everything all at once. Others may opt to act unaffected in front of everyone else, but tend to break down when left alone. No matter how we do it, the important thing to bear in mind is to never invalidate your emotions. There is no such thing as overreacting when it comes to grief because death being inevitable does not make it less painful. Thus, focus on yourself and do what you think would help you alleviate the pain. Do not feel guilty when you choose the things that make you feel better — even just slightly, during your life’s darkest days.
"There is no such thing as overreacting when it comes to grief because death being inevitable does not make it less painful."
2. Grief is not linear. It comes in unstable waves.
When going through the process of grief, feeling fine at one moment and then suddenly not feeling okay the next is ultimately valid. Healing does not follow a single straight path, so, occasionally, you may really feel like going back to where you started. But that is exactly the point. Moving forward does not mean completely forgetting your departed loved ones and leaving their memories behind. Remembering them and revisiting the memories they left with you only means that you finally found the courage to look back, which is, in fact, an improvement in itself.
"Healing does not follow a single straight path, so, occasionally, you may really feel like going back to where you started."
Like waves, grief comes and goes. We do not know when it may come for you or what may trigger it, but it will come shorter in time and will never stop coming. As long as you are alive, you will get to feel it. Therefore, all you can do now is stay afloat, keep breathing, and embrace the waves the next time they hit you.
3. We grieve because we love. Love is what causes the pain.
The amount of pain we feel from the loss is similar to the amount of love we give. Having to feel so much pain from losing someone is due to the depth of love that we shared with them.
For that reason, grief can actually be considered as a form of love. We mourn because someone means so much to us, and losing them is like losing a part of ourselves too. And even with them gone, we still look for their presence and cherish every moment we shared together — that is how we love. So if you would ask me, as much as grief is extremely painful, we are lucky to experience that kind of love and privilege as they let us in and become part of their lives too.
Photo by Aaron Burden from Pexels
After you lose someone, not even your departed loved one can tell you how you should live your life without them. No one can do that job for you, except you. Nonetheless, it is important to learn to understand your own feelings, live through grief, and slowly embrace it.
The least that we can do for the people we lost is to live the lives that they couldn’t. Maybe the key is not to force ourselves to fix our broken hearts in an instant, but to continue living with it, until it mends on its own.
"The least that we can do for the people we lost is to live the lives that they couldn’t."
Graphics by: Nicole Pacardo
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